Well in the short time I’ve been awake today I have managed to pull out and use my asshole card on someone, completely unintentionally but yeah I can get there when I didn’t expect to trigger N and did by a comment that at the time felt warranted but was not really something easy to say or read for either of us. No one is perfect in understanding or even in anything but striving to help him get better with stuff hit a wall of defensive words. Not unexpected.
I respect everyone in our shared relationship, it is really my first time in a 24/7 poly D/s relationship and I know all in it are figuring it out as we go. Communication is key and always is in any relationship regardless of Vanilla or BDSM worlds or Marriage. Communication is the cornerstone in all relationships between people. It’s the feedback, the cement that binds, the way to move forward. Without it relationships crumble, just like my marriage of 15 years.
Does it have to be like that? There are many ways to communicate but it needs to be clear and honest or it just feels worthless and cheap the words or actions feel all hollow and uncaring. Today I was told “I lied,” two very painful words to hear. It hurt because I felt betrayed, that whatever next was said had that shadow of untruth or at least the possibility of it and my trust was shattered!
I know that not everyone tells the truth all the time, its human nature to lie and look out for number one before anyone else. Was it a self serving lie? Was it meant to paint a pretty picture of the possibility of something beautiful or was it to cover up something that doesn’t exist in any way shape or form? Or was it what he thought would be nice, was it just a desire that was felt and not something that really was wanted? It was a beautiful thing desired but practicality is sometimes harder when you attempt to put it into reality.
Reality is a fluid thing shaping all of us and how we choose to accept reality really is how we are all molded. My reality is that of my own making with the help of others along the way and how I navigate the relationships we are travelling together is hard sometimes but I do hope to someday find out that the stuff that feels hard now is actually the easy part and that it’s just a speedbump.
Today is just another one in which I need to wait for the next until I get to where I am going.