The struggle

I’ll admit that the pictures are lovely Mistress posted as well as the ones N posted but as much as they are good pictures it feels like I am missing being part of the best part of poly relationships, doing things together. I don’t resent the fun they had, but it just feels like not being with them I am excluded by decision. I know that isn’t the case but stuff was said, several times about several things and it is hard to resolve what I saw with what I asked if she may be interested in.

Yes I had hoped that I could be part of it yet I was not. I hadn’t expected to find out they way I did. Maybe it is because for all the fact that I can be there if I’m asked to be I was not. I know that I don’t have any right to be with her if she doesn’t want me there but as much as your voice triggered me, it doesn’t give hits or your touch.

What is worst about it is that I owe you time to play how you like as you like but I at the moment feel that a call is one thing but your touch, or a serious flogging or just being able to clean up for you Mistress. I know that we are still in the young part of the returning to our relationship and I have no right to feel this way. Maybe it’s just sub drop.

Depressed, missing sleeping with you. It’s not something that I’m used to feeling and I know that if I had a distilit I would likely shrug it off and read or write or just I don’t have gotten sleep last night and maybe it is just that in the past if I felt I needed a good beating I’d just ask someone I knew if they wanted to play and do so. Self play is just that, self without anyone else.

I saw the rope work, something that I enjoy experiencing too and I am happy that you appeared to have had a good time. I just wish that we had discussed more for me to do while you had fun so I could have felt that I was doing your wishes instead of keeping one of my flat mates company while he gets drunker.

I don’t get paid to babysit drunks anymore or even make drinks for anyone since my last bartending job. I am worth more than that and I know this. I am yours Mistress, and if you need time with others I know that I have to allow you this but it’s not something I am accustomed to as much as I don’t live with you and I agreed and said that I can accept being yours however it is that I am. I am lonely.

When I feel lonely I get depressed and I know there is no reason to be either of these things. I used to believe that I could lock my feelings away and it was easy when I hadn’t accepted any as part of me, the love and devotion. Unfortunately I find things like what I saw I was triggered knocking me back out of subspace like a gut punch.

It was a pleasure while it lasted but all good things come to an end most often when unexpectedly shown what I didn’t expect to see. How do I deal with this in a healthy way? I love you Mistress, how do I deal with this while sleeping by myself? I feel like I am missing a part of me when I am not with you.

I feel like I need aftercare after my several days of subspace. I’m not sure if I like subdrop.

I used to do several scenes without hesitation without drop and without any a kind word for me after being debased, humiliation and severe beatings that left bruises and I didn’t blink. I didn’t lose my way, feel depressed or lonely. Soon I know that you will help me through this Mistress. I need you.