Damnitt!!! Yeah not the best way to start a post but it is what it is. Cannot change what happened can only push forward. So I write and am back to where I was during the Christmas season, lonely. I had thought that the problem was in my head but I guess I felt this creeping up upon me. The momentary reprieve was not long enough and I still am coming to grips with the loss of my first Mistress due to health problems. She passed in October only about a week and a half after my birthday.

The loss of my latest one due to attempting to do poly in a very different way than what I have seen in the past. Too many balls in the air. I was all in, left friends and family to move here and that network of support was alot when I was dealing with her death. I truly wish I still had that network here. All the local people I know are her friends and that is likely going to be both a benefit and a problem.

What I really feel I need right now is a Mistress, to get to know and BDSM, impact play and a D/s relationship. The protocols, rules, sex and debauchery because it’s part of who I am. I feel rudderless without her. Adrift. Am I just broken? Too much to handle? A lost cause?

I do know my worth but will anyone else know? I wasn’t even worth enough to be collared. Maybe my self worth was just an overinflated mirage. Fuck I really hate it when subdrop isn’t just a feeling but getting dropped completely.

It felt like everything was coming up perfectly, then this happened. “Take what time you need, if you need to drop me I will understand. You need to take care of you first Mistress. Just make sure that is what you want before doing so.” I really didn’t think I’d hear ok, then I guess I’m going to drop you as a partner.

Do I really just want to continue on as friends? I don’t know, I do know that I was cut out for whatever reason. It hurts and so I am being broken without aftercare, without impact without negotiation. I don’t know a solution to this other than to continue looking. Fuck me but this sucks.