N had it right. Lately 2020 has been a shit show for me. It’s depressing to think that meeting your heros the way I did was not what I expected, nor what I had hoped for.

I said that I’d never leave but now am I being told to leave? Too many questions remain. More like all the questions remain. Oh yes I know where I fucked up and how. I also have several things that I want to get answers about. Need answers at least for my own sanity.

I always have led my way with my heart on my sleeve and it seems like I always will but someone reminded me today that the heart is always the last to leave a battle. Broken and bruised as mine is I cannot dispute that. The fight with James was just the first breaking point. Several more have happened along the way and I’m still standing. Not proudly but with a mix of shame and grief.

I guess I deserved the response I got. My misunderstanding what was said several times leaves me a sad panda. Too wrung out too lonely with my doing me because I guess I’m not good enough for anyone else. Too damaged right now.

Hah yeah who am I kidding. It was exactly how Deb left me, a quivering mess on the floor when I didn’t know that she had passed away, how I didn’t receive a response when I attempted to get in touch. Yes I can get back up and look for someone but the heart can be a fickle thing, wanting what it does. Looking for satisfaction and coming up with ashes. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes.

I own my mistakes and accept them for what they are. I would just rather that they didn’t define my life right now. They paint a sad picture of my 2019 and 2020 and several other years. At least I haven’t returned to hard drugs. Fuck that would have been even worse. If I had though it would definitely have been my own decision to leave. Right now I am trying to accept that this was my choice, and I can’t accept that I gave the suggestion for her to drop me if that was what was needed. I asked and said that I’d understand but I don’t. Never will.